SOBER
by SENSE CADMAN
CHAPTER I
Perhaps the scariest part of sobering up from a manic episode is realizing how much you lost yourself during that euphoric time. Realizing the reason so many people exited your life because you were simply not the person they loved.
At the time you felt infinite, like the life of the party, and a jack of all trades but little did you know so far from those titles it is embarrassing.You were mean, abusive toward yourself and others, and on top of all that, an addict. Addicted to the emotions your abuse brought to you. Nothing like the sweet taste of vodka shots followed by the “I am better than everyone” bender. In your skinny little body flashing for everyone to see. You were that girl, you were miserable.
CHAPTER II
Apologizing. It's embarrassing. Especially after experiencing delusions or psychosis or whatever you want to call it. Apologizing involves taking accountability for your wrong doings and in my case, addressing why you acted in such a bizarre manner. As if they are why you were acting like such a cunt.
Apologizing involves reliving the hell you just came out of. Facing the demons you ran from for so long. Backtracking all of your misapprehensions and learning the actual truth of the time. It is painful but apologizing to others allows you to forgive yourself.
CHAPTER III
It is sad looking back at pictures of yourself and seeing absolutely nothing staring back at you. Just two sets of eyes, stagnant like rocks on a prairie. Surrounded by people who do not know you, do not care to know you, in fact if you were to fall down dead right in front of them, it would have been the highlight of their night.
Who are you to judge them. You are the same as them, living for the story to tell, the pictures to take, and living to be drunker than yesterday so you can forget what you did yesterday. Life’s like a loop when living like that. The exact opposite of what you were striving towards.
CHAPTER IV
The buying, the over abundance. It is sickening. Consuming to just be like others. Wether that be in clothes or drinks. You had to match everyone around you. You wonder why others hated you. It was because you were just mimicking others around you in hope you could fit in. But you can’t. No one can. At least sustainably.
When you act in such a manner, you loose so much of your life by the second. When inauthentic, days get shorter but the nights get longer and harder to navigate. Dreams get dimmer. Everything you wanted for yourself gets lost. You want nothing except to feel something. A lover? No, I can just use people for sex. A family? No, why should I pass on my genes. A career? If only I can make money to buy more.
CHAPTER V
When becoming sober after a manic episode, life becomes so much more simple. No more lies you had yourself tangled in. No more hoops to jump through to justify your actions. Less becomes more. You are the priority. You become sober when you become alone. You realize in the end it is only you.
Learn to cherish the sad and embarrassing moments that you wished to forget. They are you and you are the reason you are forgiving yourself today.